More Tips from a Sex Therapist…..

For many people, sexual functioning is often an issue associated with anxiety and a focus on performance. For most of us, satisfying and pleasing one’s partner is a high priority. However, what sexually arouses a man is very different than what arouses a woman. Too often, such an obvious fact gets ignored!

In this second brief article, I’d like to highlight a few more of the subtle differences between men and women. Often, paying attention to these differences can make a man a better lover. At other times, paying attention to these simple distinctions can make a significant change in the quality of a sexual encounter.

Women want men who are fully in the present moment. Most men never think about how “present” they are during intimate moments with their partner or wife. Men can be caught up in their own private sexual fantasies or focused on their sexual performance. Some guys see nothing wrong with watching a game on TV while making love to their wife.

Men can easily be more concerned about the quality of their erection than whether their partner is feeling emotionally connected and cared for. Feeling uptight during sex, worrying about other matters or “observing” your performance can all take away from the romance of an intimate encounter. These thoughts are distractions and keep a man out of the “present”.

Emotional closeness can be uncomfortable for many men. Thus, strangely enough, the intimacy of the sexual act can easily be anxiety provoking. Often, men deal with these uncomfortable feelings by “emotionally pulling away”, focusing on performance or being angry and frustrated during sex. There is almost nothing that can improve a man’s ability to be a good lover more than by staying emotionally connected and caring during lovemaking. It is important to stay focused on what is happening in the present and share these moments together. Put on soft music rather than the TV.

Women get aroused by words and touch while men often get aroused by what they see. For men, seeing a beautiful woman or looking at erotic pictures is one of life’s greatest pleasures. Erotic pictures, magazines and videos do not serve the same purpose for women. Seeing a naked male body doesn’t turn a woman on in the same way that a naked female body arouses a man. Thus, while watching an x-rated video during sex may sound great for the guy, it can be a complete turn off for his partner.

Touch is another difference between men and women. Touching for the man is a means to an end. Men are only interested in being touched on the genitals or on erotic areas such as the nipples. Being touched anywhere else is a waste of time and energy.

Women are very different. Touch conveys a sense of caring, romance and affection. Most women enjoy being touched on any part of the body as long as it is done softly and affectionately. Often, women enjoy being touch in non-sexual areas even more than being touched on the breasts or genitals. This seems completely foreign to most guys! Again, it’s the romance and the emotional closeness conveyed by touch that is important for a woman. Being a better lover, for the man, means turning off the erotic video and spending the time touching and caressing whenever possible.

In summary, sex therapists tend to focus on bridging the differences and improving communication between men and women. Often for many couples, having a sexual dysfunction can reduce communication or make it nonexistent. By improving communication and trust, a couple can often achieve a new level of closeness and intimacy.

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